Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I hate my family...
i cant stand this place anymore. every time i feel happiness they have to try and ruin it all. I'm so tired of living here. i want out. i don't care where i have to go i just want to leave. begging for change on the streets sounds better than being here...they are so negative, no matter what i do its not good enough for them. i blame them for my anxiety, now its even effecting me when i'm not at home, everywhere i go this constant stress eats away at me...i cant fucking take it anymore
Monday, April 18, 2011
S+S+A=FOREVER
Life is so full of darkness and hurt, but I found a small light that makes it all worth while. They are my everything. I thought I would never feel love again but it came back to me and smacked me in the face, making me remember what it was like. Her name is Ashen, and His name is Steven. And they are the two people that will save me.
Autumn Yates : Ashen Veturra, whatever you want to call her, she is beautiful. She's been my best friend since I can remember, we've been close than I think I could ever be with anyone for so long now that I can't even imagine living without her. And now, she's so much more than just a friend. She is my life, I love her so much and I don't think she'll ever know it. For so many years now I wished she could be mine and now she is. Ashen + Scarlet=Forever <3
Wow I look fat in this pic lol. Anyway, this is Steven and I, in all my life I never thought that I would find a guy as perfect as him. I'd thought I'd been doomed to be with Spade for the rest of my life because he was the only guy I thought I'd ever find that was like me...until I met Steven Foster. From the moment I laid on eyes on him I knew I was in love. He is so perfect for me in more way than one. Now that I have him without him I would die. He is my reason to live, and the light I finally found in this cruel world. Steven + Scarlet = FOREVER. <3
Without these two amazing people my life would no longer have a meaning. I have found the light and the reason to go on.
S+S+A=FOREVER <3
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Death is God.
What is the point in living. No matter what you do in life, no matter how great, powerful, wealthy, successful, pathetic, poor, it all ends the same way. From the day you are born death watches over you trying to take you into it's wing at every chance it gets. And no matter how hard you try, you will never escape it, only delay it. There is nothing you can do in this life to escape death. So why live? Everything you do will amount to nothing. WE ALL END UP THE SAME WAY. A decaying corpse underground being feasted upon by worms and maggots. Everyone's destiny is the same. No matter what path you take to get there death is the end of the road. I realize now that Death is God. So what is the point? I no longer see one. Just do me a favor, when I do die, whatever whoever does my body, cremate me, eat me, throw me in the ocean, feed me to animals, i don't care what you do, just don't burry me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
R.I.P SUE ROBERTS (MY FAVORITE AUNT NOW AND ALWAYS EVEN AFTER DEATH)
My mind is expanding. Things are slowly starting to make more sense than they use to yet, I'm still so confused on who I am. I wish i could just be one person but I feel like I am so many people inhabiting one body. It seems like every thing in my life is indecisive. I'm getting so worn out on school. But it feels like I'm constantly interrupting everything around me. I can almost compare it to how I feel about Japanese, when i first started learning it was all just a bunch of symbols and gibberish I didn't understand, now (in the words of my girlfriend) I can read it like I can English, and it's hard to imagine or remember what it was like for me when i couldn't read it. I'm starting to feel like this about life, abstract aspects of it, and people around me. It seems before everything was so confusing, like life itself was a foreign language that I was attempting to interpret without even learning the basics. Now it's seems I'm slowly starting to pick up on it. I understand more why people do the things they do and act certain ways. What Candace did to me, has been so painful. I haven't wanted to admit but I saw her facebook tonight and I felt like crying. I didn't realize how much I'd miss her until now. I almost got angry at myself, but then I remembered that it's not my fault. For once I actually know I did nothing wrong. It is her who has the problem not me. It's just...I wish she didn't have the problem. And now, because of her (most likely running her mouth about me) I'm starting to lose more and more friends one by one. Only two people (out of 10 I invited) showed up to my birthday party. My friend Kylie and my girlfriend. And I have strong feeling the other 8 not showing up might have had something to do with Candace. The ones I know it wasn't their fault I'm still talking to, but those who I have ignored me for their boyfriend, or have decided that I'm too "dark" for them to hang around, I am no longer speaking to.
Anyway, the party was lots of fun even if there was only two people to show up. We had it at the Ramada Inn and stayed in their suite for the night. Funniest party was Kylie helped me to bleach and die my hair and we actually stained their hot tub and towels as well as Kylie's hand xD
Kylie, Me, And Ashen at my party.
Me and Ashen <3
Kylie's hand from dying my hair lol
My hair after being bleached
And the finished products
My godmother Caroline at my party xD
Dad passed out drunk at my party rofl
So yeah funny thing about the pictures of my red hair. Well not more sad than funny. They were taken at my Aunt Sue's house. She lives in a little down called Shalts, Indiana off of Frenchlick. It's almost in Kentucky, as a fact, I consider it Kentucky. It's way out in the country, trees, bugs, amish, it's got it all. Monday my parents pulled me out of school I had to walk around 1st period and get my work (since I've been absents a lot lately) then we made the three hour drive down to see my aunt that we've made many times before. I quite enjoy going to my aunts house, I love road-trips (even if by the end I do get car sick) and it's just relaxing to get away from the hectic city life for a day or two...however unfortunately I don't think we'll be going down there anymore. My aunt has been dying of cancer in her kidneys about two years now. But lately, she has gotten worse. When my mom told me this I didn't realize how bad off she was, until we went to see her. My aunt has always been so alive and joyful all my life...when we went to see her...she was lying there lifeless in the her bed...couldn't talk or eat...could barely move. This isn't the first time someone in my family has died. My own grandfather died in my arms when I was ten years old. But this was really hard. I guess I did realize how much I liked my aunt until I saw her there dying...it was so strange for me to see her that way. I wish I hadn't of seen it. I wish I could have just remembered her as she was, but now I feel this memory of her laying there lifeless will haunt me forever. We ended up going to see her two days in a row. Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday was unplanned, but my grandmother (who is 96 years old) didn't know about my Aunt until my mom called and told her. When she did she cried and begged my dad to take her to see her daughter (as any mother would) In which my dad pulled me out of school, I only made it to third period before he showed up to get me. The last thing my aunt said to me was "How's you?"....I didn't know what to say. I wish I would have said more than I did, I wish I wouldn't have just walked away without even a goodbye...but it's too late now. She isn't dead yet, we haven't gotten a call if she is. But...there is no hope. Her time here will be cut soon shortly, I can tell, I could sense death standing above her waiting there silently. But her suffering will end. And maybe, in her next life she will find peace.
R.I.P SUE ROBERTS- I love you Sue, I did not know you like others do. But I hope maybe we will meet again in another life.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Better of Two Evils
So a few days ago on facebook one of my ex boyfriend's friends who I hadn't talked to in over a year commented on one of my photo's...the whole story is a lot to explain so I'm just going to copy and paste the entire conversation so you can read it yourself:
Joseph Phillips hun. Thats not good for ur eyes, not trying to be mean, its a cute pic, but ur making one eye work harder than the other, i was always told that when i was younger, cute pic though, and u have such a pretty face, you should show it more...... Lol liston to me, i sound like a grandma, but its true hun.Monday at 2:01am · · 1 personLoading...
Scarlet Manson noooo i hate my face lol and i can't help tbh I've been doing that shit since i was little it's sort of an anxiety/low self esteem thing, i hide behind hair.
Monday at 3:59pm ·
Joseph Phillips but u have a beautiful face hun, pull ur hair behind ur ears and let the world see it. And i bet you will get lots of complaments
Monday at 4:04pm ·
Scarlet Mansonwell you can't tell in my pics sometimes but my face is actually kind of fat and i have A LOT of acne. Plus my anxiety really bad and if I felt like people were staring at my face all the time I could have a heart attack. So I normally like... to hide. lol.
And Candace...nooo I don'tSee More
Monday at 4:06pm ·
Candace MarieOhhh shut up. You look just like how you do in the picture.
And I hear people at lunch call you amazing and awesome and all that shinnaningans all the time. Plus, you have all these compliments on your pics. You have the nerve to tell me you... don't when it's right under my nose?See More
Monday at 4:08pm ·
Scarlet Manson Like who? I dont remember anyone ever saying that? lol. And yeah even if they do, I never reveal my face that much most of the time I'm hiding so they don't see the ugliness. And like I said, I have a lot of acne and stuff that they don't see
Monday at 4:11pm ·
Candace Marie and yall wonder why I put myself down the way I do. I'm surrounded by everyone else's insecurity..
Monday at 4:15pm ·
Scarlet Manson If you write my essay for me I'll go around all day without my hair my in face xD
And I can't help my insecurity I have an anxiety disorder.
Monday at 4:17pm ·
Joseph Phillips its probly because u have ur hair in ur face. The oils will do that. But pull ur hair back and scrub ur face and use an astringent to close ur pores and it should clear up, but hunny everyone has acne at ur age, its part of life. Its just they keep them hidden in other ways, plus with ur low to no fat diet, ur oils should level out soon too. But at least try for a day, and see how everyone reacts. I bet u have lots of people star struck
Monday at 4:18pm ·
Candace MarieIn case you never noticed, I have anxiety problems, myself. It controls my life. I don't do little things like order from restaurants. I walk through the hallways holding my breath because I don't want people to hear me breathing. If someon...e is in the way of my locker, I wait for them to move or notice me rather than say excuse me. Yet, I still at least TRY to be positive. But I hang with people who think they are ugly when I am green with envy of what they look like and just who they are in general. So don't come at me with insecurity..See More
Monday at 4:21pm ·
Joseph Phillips i wear big sweaters because i don't like my body, i don't talk much to hide that i have an affeminent voice, i have a few spots of acne, i smile with a closed mouth because i don't like my teeth, we all have them, we just have to fight them and be positive
Monday at 4:28pm ·
Scarlet Manson But I felt like people were staring at my face all day I would probably have a panic attack. And I was even told by a doctor that my anxiety could have cause me to have a heart attack
Monday at 4:28pm ·
Candace MarieNo one looks THAT close at people's imperfections anymore. That's middle school stuff. If they still have the nerve to do such, they need to go back to the Brook or the Park.
I'm sorry but anytime you say your doctor tells you something, I ...disreguard it. First, about having herpies because you had pubes. Then the fact that he would rather you do weed than cigarettes. I mean what the fuck kinda doctor do you have?
But whatever, I'm done talking about this. It's making me shitty. =/See More
Monday at 4:34pm ·
Joseph Phillips breath, allow urself to take control of it, it takes work, start slow start with a day, if u start feeling an attack, breath and step back for a bit, two steps forword one step back,
Monday at 4:34pm ·
Scarlet MansonThat was a different doctor. And it wasn't exactly that what he said xD I just said it like that because I was younger and being over dramatic about it. And weed is harmless it doesn't hurt you at all. Ask several medical experts they will... tell you the same. That weed is much better than cigarettes. Cigarettes kill you slowly (why I'm trying to quit) while no one ever dies from smoking weed. That's why there is such thing as medical marijuana. Weed is one of the earth's many gifts, perhaps the greatest thing the earth has given us, and it doesn't take a medical expert to know that if you've ever actually smoked it before. My doctor is actually one of the smartest guys I know. At least he listens to me and understands when I tell him I'm in pain, and it's obvious I have the anxiety problem because I have panic attacks all the time and I've felt my heart beat so hard to the point where I felt like I was gonna die. I mean obviously I wouldn't have a whole shelf full of medication I take on a daily basis if there was nothing wrong with me.See More
Monday at 4:46pm ·
Brandon Deiser If it were possible to OD on weed id be dead right now XD
Monday at 4:48pm · · 1 personLoading...
Scarlet Manson Yeah even if it was possible no one would be able to do it, by then they'd be so high they wouldn't even remember how to smoke anymore so it'd be impossible to OD lol
Monday at 4:51pm ·
Candace Marie Bullshit. If you smoke anything, you are at risk. You of all people shouldn't be smoking any shit. You take all these medications and do all these drugs and smoke all this shit, no wonder you are always in pain. And getting high off weed does not do any good to your body. Yes, weed does help treat some cancers. But not getting high off the shit. Besides, if weed is such a healthy thing, why hasn't it been legal for so long?
Monday at 5:02pm ·
Joseph Phillips weed kills brain cells hun, if u someone who smokes a lot of it u will see, and if u smoke too much of it it will make a man infirtal
Monday at 5:10pm · · 1 personLoading...
Joseph Phillips it numbs the cells of the brain, and with too much it will kill them off. Kinda like having a rubber band on ur finger, aventually it will fall off
Monday at 5:12pm · · 1 personLoading...
Scarlet MansonThe only reason Pot isn't legal is because there are a lot of people making money because it's not legal. Alot of things kill brain cells. Cell phones kill more brain cells than pot does. Weed has a lot of good uses more good than bad. Mari...juana is the safest of all drugs. It is far safer to smoke a joint than to have a beer, yet an adult could walk up to cop drinking a beer and they couldn't say anything but if they smoking weed they'd be put away. Candace you don't realize because you've never even smoked it (and I'm not saying you have to or I want you to) People who've never smoked pot have no room to talk about it honestly because they've never experienced it, just been told bad things about it all their life that aren't true.
http://www.perkel.com/politics/issues/pot.htmSee More
Monday at 5:19pm ·
Scarlet Manson So..when did the old Candace come back? I thought you were over that whole close mindedness stuff?
Monday at 5:27pm ·
Joseph Phillipsbut if u smoke too much and for to long, u basicly become a vegetable, trust me i have seen a lot of pot heads, and they all are about the same, stair into space, mouth gaped opend, blankness in their eyes, a bit heavy set, and if u try to ...talk to them it takes them a while to process that u spoke to them. Then u give them a task and they spend 20 minutes trying to figure out how to do it, and it takes that much longer, the reason its not legal is because if one drug is legallized it will only be a matter of time before there are people going to jail because of driving while using it, and people try to get kids to do it (like you guys, brandon, you are way to young to put ur body through that, you have ur whole life a head of you) and then the majority of america would do it because they think "well sence its legal it must be safe" really pot is no better then any other drug out there See More
Monday at 5:30pm · · 1 personLoading...
Joseph Phillips not only that, if it becomes legal, then people would lace it with other legal things and it would grow and get worse
Monday at 5:31pm ·
Scarlet Manson Of course all of that is going to happen if you abuse it. But all of that with alcohol happens all the time stuff happens and that's legal. And it happens weather pot is legal or not tho. More good would happen if legalized than bad. You can use it for other things that just getting high.
Monday at 5:42pm ·
Joseph Phillipsi know and those are legal, i have a hemp lotion, i have a hemp hair product, and i have a hemp shirt, it depends on how u intend to use it, for those things it is legal, and the abuse of it would grow even more if it is legal, the reason w...hy the proabition was lifted was because thats what started the Mob, and they found there was more money in alcohol, but as u see with alcohol, the abuse will grow more if legalized, because then people wont worry about being found out and they will smoke them like candy because they don't see the harm in it. But there is See More
Monday at 5:51pm ·
Scarlet MansonEhh I personally don't really see any harm in it. It makes me happy. Like right now xD gonna admit I'm high as fuck, But see now I can actually think a lot better. And before I got high I was rather depressed but now I feel happy and regard...less of arguing over weed you're right about the hair thing I should not have it in my face all the time. I just get scared you know? Like idk my mom's really overweight so I always worry that I am because I don't want to end up like her so I always worry that I might be fat, and I worry that my face is plus the acne thing so I think I kind of have a habit of hiding because it makes me feel less insecure about myself if no one can see me. But idk I actually am a few pounds overweight, hoping to get rid of that and lose the baby fat on my face then maybe I won't have such a problem with people seeing it lol.See More
Monday at 11:09pm ·
Joseph Phillips wow, u hopped to like 3 subjects in that statment lol i do that in like 5 minutes of a conversation.
Yesterday at 12:46am · · 1 personYou like this.- Brandon Deiser Weed causes infertility? WTF!? I call shenanigans. And how would people lace it if it were grown and sold by government distributors. No one with a pharmaceutical liscense would fuck with a patients meds, weed or not. Theres no good argument against legalizing pot.and it kind of goes on and on after Brandon's comment of Joey and Brandon arguing about pot.
Anyway, the girl in the situation, Candace, has been one of my best friends since 5th grade, up until this argument. Which is actually almost phenomenal that we made it that long. See, me and Candace are almost total opposites. She comes from a strictly christian family who basically controls every little thing she does and thinks. Something my family would LOVE to be able to do. Too bad for them, my family has no say in anything I think say or do. Her family "loves" and "supports" her, yet the moment they think she's hanging out with someone who might threaten the many year of strict christian teachings they've instilled into her head they freak out. As you can see, her family's had problems with me being around since day 1. Which all of my friend's parents hate me lol. Weather they admit or not, they hate me, and because of the fact that me and my friend Ashen (Autumn) seem to have a fan group that likes to copy off of us, so now I have parents out the ass that claim they don't want me around their kids anymore because I "corrupted" them. Bullshit. I cause no one to do anything. I have a feeling the same thing is happening with Candace. Only I haven't even corrupted her. Her parents see me as a threat so they're putting shit in her head. Now Candace is blaming me for all of her problems just because she says that I have so much "negativity" it stresses her out. She literally blamed me for her grades getting lower because she says that the things I say and my points of views make her feel stupid because she doesn't understand it and it's getting to her. If I could paste the text messages that were sent back and forth between on here I would, but I can't. I understand this completely. Candace is trapped in her parents world. She's stuck inside the same american sheltered box as the rest of this country besides a few unique individuals like myself who see past the lies. I find that many christians are stuck there. And people that are sheltered and let their mind be stored away in a box don't like to even look in the direction of anyone who stands for anything remotely different from what they believe. The way I act and what I say has obviously challenged Candace to think outside the box and this scares her, so she reacts the way her parents tell her to. To kick me out of her life, because in her mind and theirs I now represent the side of the devil. I'm the evil demon who tries to steal her soul away by causing her to loose faith in "god". So as any other good christian girl would do, she shut the devil out of her life and locked the door. I find it rather hysterical myself how idiotic and close minded people can be. Marilyn Manson must have to put up with people like this a lot, having every angry parent in american pointing their fingers at him. I guess I do have to thank her for making me feel closer to Manson even more than I already did. And I think I have a new understanding of his song "Better of Two Evils" It seems to remind me of the situation quite a bit.
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