R.I.P SUE ROBERTS (MY FAVORITE AUNT NOW AND ALWAYS EVEN AFTER DEATH)

My mind is expanding. Things are slowly starting to make more sense than they use to yet, I'm still so confused on who I am. I wish i could just be one person but I feel like I am so many people inhabiting one body. It seems like every thing in my life is indecisive. I'm getting so worn out on school. But it feels like I'm constantly interrupting everything around me. I can almost compare it to how I feel about Japanese, when i first started learning it was all just a bunch of symbols and gibberish I didn't understand, now (in the words of my girlfriend) I can read it like I can English, and it's hard to imagine or remember what it was like for me when i couldn't read it. I'm starting to feel like this about life, abstract aspects of it, and people around me. It seems before everything was so confusing, like life itself was a foreign language that I was attempting to interpret without even learning the basics. Now it's seems I'm slowly starting to pick up on it. I understand more why people do the things they do and act certain ways. What Candace did to me, has been so painful. I haven't wanted to admit but I saw her facebook tonight and I felt like crying. I didn't realize how much I'd miss her until now. I almost got angry at myself, but then I remembered that it's not my fault. For once I actually know I did nothing wrong. It is her who has the problem not me. It's just...I wish she didn't have the problem. And now, because of her (most likely running her mouth about me) I'm starting to lose more and more friends one by one. Only two people (out of 10 I invited) showed up to my birthday party. My friend Kylie and my girlfriend. And I have strong feeling the other 8 not showing up might have had something to do with Candace. The ones I know it wasn't their fault I'm still talking to, but those who I have ignored me for their boyfriend, or have decided that I'm too "dark" for them to hang around, I am no longer speaking to.

Anyway, the party was lots of fun even if there was only two people to show up. We had it at the Ramada Inn and stayed in their suite for the night. Funniest party was Kylie helped me to bleach and die my hair and we actually stained their hot tub and towels as well as Kylie's hand xD

 Kylie, Me, And Ashen at my party.

Me and Ashen <3

Kylie's hand from dying my hair lol

My hair after being bleached

And the finished products

My godmother Caroline at my party xD

Dad passed out drunk at my party rofl

So yeah funny thing about the pictures of my red hair. Well not more sad than funny. They were taken at my Aunt Sue's house. She lives in a little down called Shalts, Indiana off of Frenchlick. It's almost in Kentucky, as a fact, I consider it Kentucky. It's way out in the country, trees, bugs, amish, it's got it all. Monday my parents pulled me out of school I had to walk around 1st period and get my work (since I've been absents a lot lately) then we made the three hour drive down to see my aunt that we've made many times before. I quite enjoy going to my aunts house, I love road-trips (even if by the end I do get car sick) and it's just relaxing to get away from the hectic city life for a day or two...however unfortunately I don't think we'll be going down there anymore. My aunt has been dying of cancer in her kidneys about two years now. But lately, she has gotten worse. When my mom told me this I didn't realize how bad off she was, until we went to see her. My aunt has always been so alive and joyful all my life...when we went to see her...she was lying there lifeless in the her bed...couldn't talk or eat...could barely move. This isn't the first time someone in my family has died. My own grandfather died in my arms when I was ten years old. But this was really hard. I guess I did realize how much I liked my aunt until I saw her there dying...it was so strange for me to see her that way. I wish I hadn't of seen it. I wish I could have just remembered her as she was, but now I feel this memory of her laying there lifeless will haunt me forever. We ended up going to see her two days in a row. Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday was unplanned, but my grandmother (who is 96 years old) didn't know about my Aunt until my mom called and told her. When she did she cried and begged my dad to take her to see her daughter (as any mother would) In which my dad pulled me out of school, I only made it to third period before he showed up to get me. The last thing my aunt said to me was "How's you?"....I didn't know what to say. I wish I would have said more than I did, I wish I wouldn't have just walked away without even a goodbye...but it's too late now. She isn't dead yet, we haven't gotten a call if she is. But...there is no hope. Her time here will be cut soon shortly, I can tell, I could sense death standing above her waiting there silently. But her suffering will end. And maybe, in her next life she will find peace.

R.I.P SUE ROBERTS- I love you Sue, I did not know you like others do. But I hope maybe we will meet again in another life.