I hate being seen as an attention whore, no one has said it yet, but I'm pretty sure they think it. I don't want it to be like that. I hate having people constantly worrying about me day in and day out. I honestly don't know why anyone even cares, I'm not someone anyone should have to waste their time worrying about. After today, I'm pretty sure that the doctor was right about me having a bone disease. After watching what my brother went through with Marphans and his ribcage in the hospital, I can honestly say...I'm scared. Especially after what happened ins school, the reason I realized how much of an attention whore I must seem to be in the eyes of everyone else. I think I might have fractured or broken my ribcage. Can you even break that? I don't know...all I know is it HURT. I was in my 2nd period class and pancake made me laugh so hard I fell backward and tripped over the suspenders on the back of my pants. (now i get why they are called TRIPPS). It was funny at the time but then I heard a loud popping noise in my ribs and it hurt like hell to the point of tears. To make it worse every breath I took I felt a really sharp pain. I was tempted to ask my photography teacher to go the nurse, but the bell was about to ring and I thought maybe I could just go to the nurse after that and could avoid seeming dramatic, I later discovered in the hall from a friend that apparently you have a pass to go to the nurse even during passing period. At the point I just said fuck it, it hurt like hell but the pain would go down eventually, either that or I'd adjust to it. But then I had to accomplish the task of going up stairs, don't ask me why stairs have anything to do with my ribs, but I don't think I've ever felt pain like that in my chest before. I walked into my 3rd period crying, which sucked. Because then I had person after person asking me what was wrong, causing to me to be the center of attention. I hate that. I would rather spend my day not being noticed by anyone at all, then have people lined up to give me offerings of sympathy. I don't need anyone sympathy, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy, nor am I worthy enough be the certain of attention and distract an entire classroom from what they are suppose to be doing. In that moment, I felt no better than any selfish attention whore playing the sympathy card, and that was not my intention, it's never been my intention. I hated feeling like that so much, I started trying to hide my pain. I denied going to the nurse when offered a pass and took as small breathes as I could so it wouldn't hurt as much.
I ended up going even though I didn't want to, just so my teacher would stop worrying about me. But the nurse did nothing but glare at me and bitch at me to get my hair out of my face. I hate that so much, there have been so many times when I've felt sick and not went to the nurse just because she is such a bitch. All she did was give me Tylenol and told me to go to the doctor when I get home, and when I asked if I call my dad, the bitch said no and sent me to my 4th period
It was ironic that was I was late because as soon I got there I got a pass from the office, I had to go down there to deal with an issue I've been dealing with for 4 years now. My ex boyfriend who won't keep his fucking hands off of me. Last week I was standing in the PAC with my Chuck and he got jealous and tried tugging on the chains of my tripps to get my attention. When I ignored him (not wanting him to fucking sexually violate me like he always does) he got pissed and yanked my chain (lol no he literally yanked my chain), making a huge ass rip right across the thy area of my pants. I was so pissed about in my 1st period that day I was shaking and couldn't even speak. I mean, honestly, tell me how you can report someone for sexual harassment THREE DIFFERENT TIMES and they still don't get the fucking picture that you don't want to put their fucking hands on you? To make it worse, administration does NOTHING about it. Do you see why I was so pissed my teacher pulled me out in the hall and told me I looked like I was going to shoot everybody? Honestly at that point he was accurate, I wanted everyone on the whole planet to die. The earth could have exploded in that moment killing everyone and I would have been happy about it.
When I got sent down to the office Mr. Steimal told me that they were going to make my ex pay for the tripps, but of course then he had to bitch about the ones I was wearing that the suspenders hung too low and I needed to take them off. Proceeding to make me take all 6 of them off one by one. That hurt like a bitch, not only were the hooks really hard to get off and hurt my thumbs, but I kept having to bend over to removed the ones at the bottom, I could feel my ribs popping every time. I wanted to cry when it was over, just because my ribs hurt so badly. But not wanting yet another person to have to worry about it, I let my bangs fall in my face and hid the small amount of tears that did manage to escape. It was pointless for him to make me take them off really, because as soon I got to lunch I had my friend help me put that right back on. I skipped again today, I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore but I was late to my lunch and was starving so I went to the others just to convince Meaghan to buy me food and so I would get to see Autumn. (Unfortunately my boyfriend is in her lunch as well though so I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I wanted to, I was hoping he wouldn't have seen me, but he did)
Well anyway, today was shit. Like any other day. When I got home I told my dad about my ribs, he told me to go to sleep and they'd feel better and that they couldn't do anything for them if I did go to the doctor and it would just cost him money blah blah blah. I went to sleep like he said, woke back up and they felt worse. I took a pain pill, it doesn't hurt so much now but they are still popping just from me making slight movements.
Mes côtes mal, Je vais au lit, Bonsoir.
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